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Fasterer and More Furiouser

Sun, 03 Feb 2013

OMG! They're back! Vin, Paul, Jordana and Michelle, the Our Gang of the underground criminal import racer scene return for -- yes, you're about to read this right -- the sixth time! May 24 the silver screen reignites with what Universal is calling “…the global blockbuster franchise built on speed…” the Fast & Furious 6! Yes, six!

And yes, all your favorites will be back: Dwayne “Don't-Call-Me-The-Rock” Johnson, super-cool Tyrese Gibson (who designed his own Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder in FF2 or 3 or 5), Chris “You-Can-Still-Call-Me-Ludacris” Bridges and Sir John Gielgud!

Okay, we're just kidding about Sir John Gielgud. But not the rest of 'em!

And didn't we see this coming at the end of FF5 when there was that grainy black and white image of Michelle Rodriguez flashed on the screen at the end? We figured right then there that there might be a 6 and we were right!

And when Universal says “blockbuster franchise” they mean like McDonald's, with billions and billions served and profited upon. We know it's fattening but we go anyway. Somebody stop us!

No, don't stop us because… there's just too much at stake this time.

Okay, plot and whatever straight from the Universal Pictures PR mimeograph: “Since Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian's (Paul Walker) Rio heist toppled a kingpin's empire and left their crew with $100 million, our heroes have scattered across the globe. But their inability to return home and living forever on the lam have left their lives incomplete. ($100 mill would make me pretty complete. Ed.)

“Meanwhile, Hobbs (Johnson) has been tracking an organization of lethally skilled mercenary drivers across 12 countries, whose mastermind (Luke “Who?” Evans) is aided by a ruthless second-in-command revealed to be the love Dom thought was dead, Letty (Michelle “I'll-Put-You-In-A-Headlock-And-Rip-Your-Ears-Off” Rodriguez). The only way to stop the criminal outfit is to outmatch them at street level, so Hobbs asks Dom to assemble his elite team in London. Payment? Full pardons for all of them so they can return home and make their families whole again.”

Did we read that right? Full pardons? Could it really be? And finally, the whole crew would be able to "make their families whole again". Just what they've always wanted. Well, that and the 100 million bucks. But whoa, “lethally skilled mercenary drivers”? Hang on a second -- does that mean there's going to be fast-paced action, hanging-by-a-thread suspense, car chases and pretty girls screaming? Might this one be too intense for younger, older or more intelligent viewers? Not a chance!

Come camp out with us at the Cineramamegapixelplus to be the first to see FF6. Only 120 days left!

P.S. No, I am not just bitter because they based the whole movie on my original 1990s articles on the import racing scene and they never gave me a dime or even a screen credit, let alone a WGA membership. No, I'm above that. Plus I could never write that dialogue.

By Mark Vaughn